The Opposite of Forever

A former classmate posted a picture of her and her boyfriend for their anniversary and the caption was: “I will love you always and forever.” I envy people who could throw words like “forever” so casually. I wish I were as sweet to my boyfriend, and could tell him that I will love him forever, too. But I can’t ’cause I probably won’t mean it.

Forever means “for always, for all eternity, endlessly.” I hate to break it to you, guys, but we’re all going to die. So unless I write a great novel about my love for my boyfriend, my love will not live on after my death. And even if I do write a bestselling novel on my love for him, it still won’t assure that my love will last forever because the sun is going to burn the earth at some point killing all of us. That or our galaxy will crash against another, obliterating everything inside it, including our promises of forever. The future is bleak!

Perhaps you’re thinking that I should CALM DOWN and stop taking “forever” too literally. Maybe the girl was just being poetic and what she really wanted to say was that she would love her boyfriend constantly, repeatedly, or regularly. This sounds doable compared to the word’s grander definition. But I still don’t think I can say that I will love my boyfriend forever.

I can’t love my boyfriend constantly because love is not constant. Sometimes I love him so much and sometimes it just feels like we’re going through the motions of being together. Sometimes I feel like I love him more than he loves me and sometimes it’s the other way around. And sometimes we get so pissed at each other that we don’t want to see each other’s faces.

I talked to one of my friends about forever and she said she believes in it. She thinks her relationship right now will last forever. And she feels that if this relationship doesn’t work out, she won’t be able to find another guy she’d want to spend the rest of her life with. (Which sounds contradictory because if she thinks her relationship will last forever, then why is she thinking of break up scenarios?)

And I guess some people are hardcore like that. They believe that there’s no point  in loving someone if you’re not going to give your all to the relationship anyway. And sometimes they give their all and leave nothing for themselves. I can’t do that.

What I’ve learned is that I have to love myself first before I can properly love another person. (Cliché, cliché, cliché. Whatever.) I’m not saying I love everything about myself now but I’ve gotten a lot better at it. If you don’t love yourself while you’re in a relationship, you expect your partner to fill that void for you. You either set your expectations unreasonably high that you always get disappointed or so low that you leave no room for some self-respect. You end up loving the idea of being loved instead of loving the person who loves you. It’s unfair and unhealthy in the long run.

You might be pitying my boyfriend right now because I sound like a dreadful girlfriend. I have not painted us as the couple who’s crazy in love. We don’t do grand, romantic gestures of love. We don’t have intense fights. We have small, quiet moments usually disturbed by the sound of laughter. To each his own when it comes to love. All I’m saying is that this state of non-foreverness is working for me.


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