I’m ashamed to admit that I’m one of those people who makes a big deal out of the number of likes I get on my Facebook or Instagram posts. I get excited when a photo of me is garnering digital approval as if my happiness hinges on its “success.” In the same way, I get bothered and confused when my picture is not getting the attention I think it deserves. Why is someone else’s grainy picture doing better than mine when mine was shot at a great location and I look good in it? I always end up to the same conclusion: I’m just not likable. Not popular enough.
I’m aware that it’s a self-destructive habit based on a subjective and nonsensical gauge of my value as a person but I still get depressed over it. My friend had a simpler explanation: I’m insecure.
Facebook does not let you escape high school. The popular girls are still popular and I’m still me, except now there’s a numerical value attached on how much I’m not popular in comparison to them. So I guess I should be glad I don’t make a living out of Facebook likes because I would not be doing well in life if that were the case.
Here are some tips from unpopular me to you on what you should and shouldn’t do to avoid being stuck in this abyss of irrelevance:
1. Do not be an atheist.
God-related posts are instant hits. Being a member of any religion means you already have a captured audience. So if you post a selfie or series of selfies and caption it with a quote from the Bible or say something about how god is your best friend and/or boyfriend, then that will easily get you at least fifteen to thirty likes. The reason behind it is most people equate faith with being a good person, and good people get a lot of likes. Also, always remember to check in when you visit your favorite church on Sundays.
Atheist posts on the other hand are major downers. Even just the word “atheist” turns people off. People don’t like it when they’re presented with an idea they’re not familiar with, especially if that idea basically says that their belief is wrong. It can also be because a lot of atheist posts come across as angry, frustrated, non-inclusive, and sometimes self-absorbed.
Same goes for feminist posts. Just don’t announce yourself to be any sort of “ist” as much as possible.
2. Do not shut people down.
If someone’s being a douche or a misogynist, sexist pig, you can’t call him out on that because what’s most probably happening is they’re just joking around. Why do you have to take everything so seriously, you angry feminist? They’re not hurting anyone. They just shared something on the internet that demeans women which also happens to be funny!
Never say what’s on your mind because strong opinions are not cool. You can have strong opinions about something only if you’ve noticed that a lot of people are having the same opinions too. Maybe consider having zero opinions altogether. Just go with the flow. Hakuna matata, right?
3. Don’t try so hard.
Another thing that’s not cool is trying hard. Obviously, I have set myself up for failure because the name of my blog is “Live Trying.” It’s a constant reminder that I’m going to live as an uncool person for the rest of my life.
No one wants to know how you managed to look gorgeous today with your perfectly done hair and make-up, so don’t provide details of how you’re not naturally pretty or sexy. Just say you woke up flawless, like Beyoncé.
4. Be mysterious.
Nothing piques people’s interest more than secrets. And the best way to catch their attention is to post cryptic tweets or status updates. It gives an air of exclusivity to the privileged few who know what’s happening. And the lesser people who are not privy to your secrets will feel bad about themselves. Win-win.
Pro tip: I have learned the hard way that people who air their life’s drama on the internet do not welcome unsolicited replies from their followers even though posting it on their public accounts would suggest otherwise. Apparently they want everyone to know that they’re going through something. But since it’s not cool to have a conversation with the person they’re having a problem with, they rant about it in public instead.
Additional pro tip: Deactivate your social media accounts from time to time. Nothing says “I’m better than you” than staying away from Facebook and then coming back with a bang. And then everyone’s all “Where you been, girl?” And you’re all “You know, living life.” Congrats, Ms. Enigma.
In summation, my goal in life in three slides: