The Walking Dead TV series is finally coming back tomorrow after its mid-season break. It’s been a while since I’ve had my serving of gore so I AM PSYCHED. There’s always a guessing game of who will die next. I wish it so bad to be Merle but it could easily be Glenn or Daryl next. There are still so many questions. Is there a refuge for non-zombies out there? Will there ever be a cure? How did it even get to the point that everyone carries a strain of the virus? Did they use a Ganali device like in The Amazing Spider-Man? Was this an evil ploy all along by Dr. Curt Connors? Give it up, Dr. Connors!
And all this got me thinking, will I survive a zombie apocalypse? I want to say yes but let’s be honest here, I won’t and here’s why:
- I don’t know how to use a gun. We’ve all got to defend ourselves from those brain-munchers and the easiest way is to shoot their brains before they eat ours. I’m afraid that I might actually die trying to load bullets or accidentally shoot someone in my group or worse, myself. And we can’t all be samurai-wielding badasses like Michonne. By the time I can kill a zombie with a sword, I might have already slashed two to three fingers, a toe, and an ear in the process.
- I wear glasses. Visual impairments are a weakness. I mean, have you seen a glasses-wearing person survive a zombie apocalypse except for that pseudo-scientist guy that works for The Governor? No. Even Hershel doesn’t wear glasses and he’s the token old, wise guy. I really have to get that Lasik eye surgery before shit goes down.
- I don’t know how to ride a motorcycle. Sure, it’s not that bad since I can at least drive a stick shift but what if I got into a situation where there’s a mob of zombies behind me and the only means of escape is this motorcycle which I don’t know how to operate. Basically, I will die of a heart attack from trying to outrun the mob.
- My camping skills suck. I can deal with living in tents and cooking fish caught in a river or something to that extent. But I cannot for the life of me start a fire from scratch. Of course I hope it never gets to the point where I need to start a fire from scratch but this is the zombie apocalypse, people! Anything can happen! Get on with the program. (Come on, Jen. Let’s be real. It will never get to that point because you will be dead eating a poisonous berry in the woods.)
- In relation to these poisonous berry ingestion event, I may also die because I have no knowledge on practical cures. I only know that you can use vodka on a great many things. Which things, I don’t know. Probably, I will use vodka during the zombie apocalypse to kill myself by alcohol poisoning.
So basically I’m going to be like Lori or Season 1 Carl because I’m a burden, only worse because I won’t live as long as them. I just hope that I’m as fashionable as Daryl and die with a kickass poncho.