10 Days of Quitting You

Day 1. I did it. I finally had the guts to end this. After all the years we’ve been together, we’re over. I feel relieved, as if a bullet that had been lodged in my body for so long has been removed. Yet I feel incomplete in its absence. This will take some getting used to.

Day 2. I hope you’re fine without me. I know you’re fine without me. You were always better at showing the world how unfazed you are, as if nothing is ever wrong in your life. I remember the first time we broke up, none of your friends could tell anything was wrong. You seemed to not have a care in the world. Looking back, maybe you really didn’t care what happened to us. Maybe it was for my sake that I made myself believe that you were only pretending to be okay

Day 3. The hardest part so far is not being able to talk to you, though we weren’t even speaking the same language anymore toward the end. But at least we still had the chance to try to understand each other. I wanted to handle this like adults and still be civil, but I guess you don’t want that. All those snide remarks and “inspirational” quotes  you post online about girls breaking your heart? I’d rather you blocked me on all your accounts instead.

Day 4. My friends told me that they are happy we finally broke up. Happy for me because they always thought our relationship did more harm than good. I wanted to defend our relationship and tell them of great moments we had, but I can’t remember any happy memory of us at the time. All those years and I couldn’t even muster one memory of you making me happy. I’m sure it’ll come back to me.

Day 5. So this is what freedom feels like. No more worrying about what you’re going to say on what I want to do, who I’m with or where I’m going. No more listening to you say that my dreams are impractical (read: stupid). Do you know that when I start doubting myself, I hear it in your voice?

Day 6. I’m alone right now and I badly want to talk to you. I’m constantly wondering what you’re doing and if you wonder about me the same way. I’m starting to question if breaking up with you was a mistake. If you talk to me right now, at this very moment, I would probably take you back. And this is the thought that keeps me from talking to you. I want and don’t want to be with you anymore.

Day 7. I can’t believe it’s just been a week. It feels longer than that. I started thinking about how things went wrong. When did I start to lose myself and just merely became your girl? I’m just a shell of what I once was, but I’m taking bits and pieces of myself back. It will be a long process, just like how you leached the life out of me slowly but surely through the years.

Day 8. Guess what? I’m writing short stories again. You always thought that writing to make a living was stupid. I know it’s going to be hard and I’m still far from being the next Genoveva Edroza-Matute, but at least I’m doing what I love.

Day 9. Remember that guy who courted me for so long? You always made fun of him behind his back. He has a girlfriend now. I saw them today and they seemed like a happy couple. I sometimes wonder what would have happened had I broken up with you sooner and got together with him. He is such a great guy and everyone has nothing but nice things to say about him.

Day 10. At what point did I stop loving you? At what point did I stop loving myself?


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