Category: Uncategorized

Wallflower

Scene: December 31, 2013, at home

I still don’t have a polka dotted outfit to wear for New Year’s Eve. Lord knows I need luck and money for 2014. I have to find something new with polka dot prints.

I’ve been eyeing this navy blue, polka dotted Cotton On dress for quite some time now. The fabric is light so it would be perfect for summer. At the same time it looks good with my boots and black Levi’s biker jacket on. Maybe I can push it as an outfit for work.

Scene: Cotton On, SM Megamall, 2nd floor, building A

There’s a navy blue, polka dotted dress here but it’s not the style I want. Where is it? Did they already run out of stock? That would make sense because it was a cute dress. A lot of people would’ve bought it for the same reason I’m looking for it now.

“Do you have a branch in Shangri-la Mall?” I ask the saleslady. She said they don’t have one, only Cotton On Kids. I’m not willing to drive to Greenbelt just for a dress. And the stores might be closed by the time I get there anyway.

Gaaaahd… Why didn’t I buy that dress when I tried it on and saved myself all this trouble? Ugh. Let’s just look for another dress at a different store.

Forever 21 it is.

[End scene.]

That’s the story behind this jumpsuit. It was a polka dot substitute. I thought the colorful flower print is celebratory enough to welcome 2014. Besides, polka dot prints become irrelevant after New Year’s Eve anyway.

This outfit would be perfect when your boyfriend takes you to meet his friends. It’s conservative at the top but with a lot of leg. It’s comfortable so you don’t have to fuss too much. It’s dressy enough for a fancy dinner and casual enough if you decide to go to a bar or club after. It will make you feel pretty and girly, and your date will protectively hold you near him all time in case any of his friends gets any funny ideas.

If that boy does not cling to you like an overly attached child when you have this jumpsuit and heels combination on, you should be worried. Or maybe you’re just not that kind of couple. I would not know.

Why is my boyfriend not all crazy touchy when I look this good? I will make him regret this.

Mafi and I shot this at the parking lot of the newly constructed Electrical and Electronics Engineering Institute in UP Diliman. Our original plan was to hold the photo shoot at the College of Science Ampitheater but a lot of cyclists were hanging out there that morning. I chickened out. I didn’t want an audience so we settled here.

It was only 8 am when we shot this but it was already so hot. It’s hard to smile when you’re being asked to look directly to the sunlight and have it slowly burn your eyes. Unfortunately that’s the angle that will make you look good so you have to endure. Like what Tyra Banks always says: Find the light.

The struggle is real.

The guard of the building kept pestering us during the shoot. I didn’t know what his issue was. We weren’t bothering anyone. It’s not like we’re taking pictures of the facilities inside. Did we need to get a permit to take pictures of a wall in UP now? Are there clues engraved on that wall which leads to a National Treasure sort of hunt that needs to be kept secret? Was anyone complaining from the EEE community? He pissed me off.

We shot there for thirty minutes and the guard circled us like a vulture the entire time. When we were wrapping up our last few photos, he annoyed us one last time by asking how long we still have to shoot. We asked him why does he need to know and he mumbled something about being captured in the CCTV camera. So fucking what? Isn’t that the entire point of having a CCTV camera? Based on his answer, we weren’t even violating anything.

Fierceness inspiration: EEE guard

Enough about the guard. This is supposedly a fashion blog post and we would be remiss if we didn’t mention where I got these clothes from. Like I said earlier, the jumpsuit is from Forever 21. The suede, peep toe platform pumps are from Zara.

I love the snake details of the heel. Don’t go looking for these shoes at Zara though. I bought this pair last 2011 and I’m positive they’re off the shelves.

Because of the print of the dress, I didn’t accessorize heavily anymore. I just wore a stainless steel necklace and white gold diamond ring from Singapore.

And to quote the infinitely wise Forrest Gump, that’s all I have to say about that. Until the next post, guys!

Baiiiiiiiiii…

Photos by Elaine Tacubanza

Hippie Dippie Girl

In case you didn’t know, I’m a fashion maven. I’ve been itching to do a fashion blog because it involves two things that I love—dressing up and having my picture taken. For a while I was content doing mirror selfies and #ootd’s. But sometimes, one mirror selfie is not enough. Sometimes there’s more to your outfit that you want to share but can’t because you run the risk of being obnoxious. So I’ve decided to dedicate the next three to four posts to fashion.

I’m excited. Let’s revel in my amateur attempts at vanity, guys. Remember to not take everything seriously because I certainly wasn’t.

xoxo,

Jen

I went to Forever 21 last Friday and was surprised to see a lot of daisy-printed clothes. Based on his, I deduced that daisies are on-trend probably because it’s summer. I rarely wear anything trendy because 1) I don’t know what’s trendy, 2) they rarely look good on me and, 3) I don’t want to buy anything that would look “out-of-fashion” in a few months. So I’m surprised that I actually own something that would be considered “in fashion.”

I love this Forever 21 skirt because it’s so flowy and girly but at the same time looks amazing with boots. I’m really into the feminine-but-badass aesthetic so I just had to buy it. I have also been coveting a long-skirt-with-slit situation for a while so this fit the bill. When you start walking and the hem starts swaying, you can’t help but feel good about yourself.

The long strand leaf necklace is also from Forever 21.

This shot with the falling leaves is lovely but let me tell you, I was so worried that those leaves might’ve been peed on. I looked at the leaves before I picked them up. They were dry. But you can never really be sure. I was too afraid to smell them. Ugh. Fashion is hard, you guys.

My friend Mafi and I did the photo shoot in front of the College of Mass Communication in UP Diliman. Our peg was peaceful-looking, nature-loving hippie, hence, the contemplative and touching-whatever-belongs-to-nature poses.

Headband from Landmark

Let’s admit it; the only thing that makes this look hippie-ish is that fake flower headband and it’s not even that effective. But let’s stretch our imaginations here, okay? I mean, I would still totally blend in if I time-traveled to the 70s, right?

Laughing my head off whenever I look at this because this image is the antithesis of me.

Basic white tank top from Gap

I love these lace-up Ecco boots I bought in Hong Kong. One of my fashion philosophies is if you’re going to spend a lot on clothes or accessories, make sure it’s something you can wear all the time. I have worn these boots at least once a week ever since I got them so I’m really happy that I got to maximize my investment.

They go with almost anything and I can’t emphasize how comfortable they are to wear. True story: I once wore these boots for almost twenty-four hours last December. My right pinky toe went numb but that’s probably because I was dancing for two hours.

Mafi and I were ecstatic with this Mary Poppins-inspired photo. I’m floating and my limbs are elongated. Tyra Banks would be so proud. I wish the boots would’ve been more visible but other than that, it’s a lovely shot.

Here’s my happy dance after we finished our photo shoot. Look how fucking graceful I am. Like a fucking gazelle, I swear to god.

Photos by Elaine Tacubanza

I Wanna Be Popular

I’m ashamed to admit that I’m one of those people who makes a big deal out of the number of likes I get on my Facebook or Instagram posts. I get excited when a photo of me is garnering digital approval as if my happiness hinges on its “success.” In the same way, I get bothered and confused when my picture is not getting the attention I think it deserves. Why is someone else’s grainy picture doing better than mine when mine was shot at a great location and I look good in it? I always end up to the same conclusion: I’m just not likable. Not popular enough.

I’m aware that it’s a self-destructive habit based on a subjective and nonsensical gauge of my value as a person but I still get depressed over it. My friend had a simpler explanation: I’m insecure.

Facebook does not let you escape high school. The popular girls are still popular and I’m still me, except now there’s a numerical value attached on how much I’m not popular in comparison to them. So I guess I should be glad I don’t make a living out of Facebook likes because I would not be doing well in life if that were the case.

Here are some tips from unpopular me to you on what you should and shouldn’t do to avoid being stuck in this abyss of irrelevance:

1. Do not be an atheist.

God-related posts are instant hits. Being a member of any religion means you already have a captured audience. So if you post a selfie or series of selfies and caption it with a quote from the Bible or say something about how god is your best friend and/or boyfriend, then that will easily get you at least fifteen to thirty likes. The reason behind it is most people equate faith with being a good person, and good people get a lot of likes. Also, always remember to check in when you visit your favorite church on Sundays.

Atheist posts on the other hand are major downers. Even just the word “atheist” turns people off. People don’t like it when they’re presented with an idea they’re not familiar with, especially if that idea basically says that their belief is wrong. It can also be because a lot of atheist posts come across as angry, frustrated, non-inclusive, and sometimes self-absorbed.

Same goes for feminist posts. Just don’t announce yourself to be any sort of “ist” as much as possible.

2. Do not shut people down.

If someone’s being a douche or a misogynist, sexist pig, you can’t call him out on that because what’s most probably happening is they’re just joking around. Why do you have to take everything so seriously, you angry feminist? They’re not hurting anyone. They just shared something on the internet that demeans women which also happens to be funny!

Never say what’s on your mind because strong opinions are not cool. You can have strong opinions about something only if you’ve noticed that a lot of people are having the same opinions too. Maybe consider having zero opinions altogether. Just go with the flow. Hakuna matata, right?

3. Don’t try so hard.

Another thing that’s not cool is trying hard. Obviously, I have set myself up for failure because the name of my blog is “Live Trying.” It’s a constant reminder that I’m going to live as an uncool person for the rest of my life.

No one wants to know how you managed to look gorgeous today with your perfectly done hair and make-up, so don’t provide details of how you’re not naturally pretty or sexy. Just say you woke up flawless, like Beyoncé.

4. Be mysterious.

Nothing piques people’s interest more than secrets. And the best way to catch their attention is to post cryptic tweets or status updates. It gives an air of exclusivity to the privileged few who know what’s happening. And the lesser people who are not privy to your secrets will feel bad about themselves. Win-win.

Pro tip: I have learned the hard way that people who air their life’s drama on the internet do not welcome unsolicited replies from their followers even though posting it on their public accounts would suggest otherwise. Apparently they want everyone to know that they’re going through something. But since it’s not cool to have a conversation with the person they’re having a problem with, they rant about it in public instead.

Additional pro tip: Deactivate your social media accounts from time to time. Nothing says “I’m better than you” than staying away from Facebook and then coming back with a bang. And then everyone’s all “Where you been, girl?” And you’re all “You know, living life.” Congrats, Ms. Enigma.

In summation, my goal in life in three slides:

Image via

#WEIRD

Like most people, I want to find that person who will understand me and all my weirdness. I know I already wrote about why I’m not weird and I stand by that statement. I’m super normal. Please tell me all these things I do or feel are normal. (Do not read if you’re squeamish.)

1. I love farting.

And I love pooping too. But I find passing gas much more fun. I love a specific kind of fart—the loud, usually odorless kind that you unleash in the morning. It starts my morning right. My day is not complete if I don’t fart that fart.

I also love hearing other people fart loudly. I especially like it when I hear it in the women’s restroom. Like, you’re in your cubicle, finally relieving your tiny bladder, and then coming from the next door you hear a loud fart. It makes me feel connected to womankind, hearing other women’s farts. It’s glorious. It tells us that when it comes right down to the essentials, we’re all humans, and we all need to fart. Anne Curtis farts. Marilyn Monroe farted. Even Kate Middleton farts. And I bet my bottom dollar that she farted a lot when she was carrying Prince George.

I dream of the day when farting becomes socially acceptable, not the nuclear smelling ones of course, but the loud ones that I like.  It can be some weird cultural thing like slurping ramen noodles in Japan or burping which some cultures find okay. Let’s make it happen, Oprah and Dr. Oz.

2. I love getting my period.

One more bodily function that I appreciate is menstruation. Contrary to popular belief, not all women go crazy during their periods. I feel like I’m actually more pleasant during those days. I have more energy, I walk more and I’m excited to work out compared to regular days.

Luckily, I rarely experience dysmenorrhea. And when I do, a single pill or capsule of painkiller does the trick. Other girls don’t have it so great. Some of them can’t even stand because of how much pain they’re in. If that’s the case, I would totally understand if they get really bitchy.

It’s actually the week before my period that I get annoying. I’m emotional for no reason. I get pissed at the most trivial things. I’m super lazy and I eat a lot. I bet it’s the hormones. It’s always the hormones. If there are any doctors out there, please verify if this is the normal cycle of things.

3. When I was in high school, I diagnosed myself with breast cancer.

And told all my friends about it.

Can you imagine a fifteen-year-old girl telling her friends that she has breast cancer?! It’s hilarious looking back, but at the time we were all devastated. Everyone’s crying and the girls were all hugging. Then everyone had some sort of testimony of how they really felt about each other. Some said they’ve been feeling like an outsider within the group. Lots of sorry’s and I love you’s were said. All those drama. It was so stupid and beautiful. For a few hours, the world stopped and we had our moment.

In my defense, I read a lot of Reader’s Digest those days. It was my version of WebMD. And you know these things; they make you feel like you have all sorts of diseases. That’s what happened to me. Breast cancer kept popping up in the articles I was reading and I have deluded myself that I felt lumps in my breasts and these were tumors. That was it. That was my basis for everything.

I was scared that I would not be able to enter college because of my “breast cancer”—that I would fail my physical exam. But all the results came out normal. I didn’t have cancer. I just suffered from hallucinations from time to time.

4. I’m a violent drunk.

I’m prone to slapping, biting, kicking and fly-kicking my friends when I reach a certain level of intoxication. I’m not proud of it. It’s not cute. And my friends have wanted to stab me during these moments. Sorry, friends.

5. When I was a kid, I scratched my skin off with my nails because I was so pissed.

It’s a rite of passage in our family to be teased until you cry. My aunts, trained hecklers that they are, will target one of us kids at random whenever we got together. It was psychological warfare.

I was an easy target because I cry easily and I don’t answer back. But there was one time I decided that I was not going to cry. Not today. I won’t give them the satisfaction. It will be my personal victory.

What I did was, when they were teasing me, I scratched the inside of my wrist and focused on the physical pain instead of the emotional one. I managed to claw to the underside of my epidermis. You know, the pink-colored skin that’s exposed when you get an abrasion?

But my aunts did not stop. And I realized it’s because they did not see what I was doing. So I started scratching the side of my eye, near my temple instead. I was slowly skinning myself. It hurt like hell but I kept at it. After a few minutes, my mom finally noticed what I was doing and put a stop to it. I was such a spiteful kid.

But I did not cry. I DID NOT CRY. I had a noticeable scar on my face for an entire week but I didn’t care. I won those battle scars through self-inflicted torture. And it served as a reminder to my aunts not to mess with me. It was only good for a month though. They were back to teasing me after that.

6. I’m friends with my ex(es).

Well, I don’t really talk to my previous boyfriend. I’m not mad at him or vice versa. We didn’t end the relationship on a sour note. I think that relationship ended in as good terms as could’ve been possible. The reason we don’t talk to each other is because we shouldn’t. But if we take the “shouldn’t” part out of the situation, I believe we could’ve been friends.

I do talk to my first boyfriend. He’s actually one of my closest friends. We still hang out. We watch movies and concerts. We travel. Needless to say, we don’t do these things just the two of us. But some of our friends still find it strange.

We recently had a discussion if we should be worried of what people think—if there’s any merit to what they’re saying. Is there really only one route an ex-couple could take, the one where they don’t talk to each other? It seems that popular culture is perpetuating that if ex-couples are friends, the end result is always getting back together. This is the subtext of the people who say that our relationship is weird.

I want to justify myself but most people have already made up their minds anyway. I’m just made to feel like my justification is short of admitting that they’re right.

I guess that’s how truly weird things are. You want people to understand. You want people to accept that there are other truths aside from their own. You want someone to say that you’re okay. That’s why I’m annoyed at some people who say they’re weird. Because they say it with the confidence of someone who hasn’t been an outcast.

Smart/Stupid

I constantly doubt my intelligence, or if I’m intelligent at all. Graduating with honors from pre-school to college would suggest that I may be intelligent. But that could also mean I’m just good at studying.

We all know for a fact that getting a degree does not equate intelligence because of dropouts like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg. I also know that some people who finished their postgraduate studies are blithering idiots. Their stupidity is just harder to pinpoint because they dress better and know a lot of fancy words. How then do we know who’s smart and who’s stupid if we’re not going to base it on titles or degrees?

In high school, I thought I was intelligent because my grammar is better than most. I had no respect for my classmates who were good at subjects that are based on memorization like history or biology. I had some respect for people who were good at math. But they had to pair that skill with good grammar for me to consider them intelligent. I was so full of myself.

And then I met people who were incredibly smart but their grammar just sucked. Sucked! Like, grammar sticklers would be spazzing if they met this person. They were analytical and inventive but god when they were wrote, you could mistake them for jejemons. I was amazed that there are people like that. And when I started writing, I realized that my grammar sucked too. Yikes! There goes my confidence.

I got really into philosophy when I was in college. I started questioning a lot of my beliefs. Maybe it was the environment. Maybe it was because I was reading a lot of Ayn Rand. I wanted to make sense of the world and philosophy offered a structured and seemingly mature way of doing that. As a teenager, it was liberating to feel like you have some sort of control over your intellectual development. It was empowering being subversive—sticking it to The Man.

I welcomed discussions on ideas. I shut people down when they’re being illogical, especially the religious because their arguments are always fallacious. I thought that being able to reason out your principle made you smart. I was all “Yeah, this is what Socrates and Aristotle did! I feel so smart spewing all these words: existentialism, federalism, communism and whatever isms are out there.”

But I tired of philosophy. The structure that I loved before feels so limiting now. It’s so abstract. When you try to explain current events based on some vague philosophical idea, it seems so irrelevant. It’s like the world is telling you it is one big fallacy. That in the real world, philosophy doesn’t count for shit.

I’m no longer into what most people would consider an intellectual endeavor. I don’t religiously follow current events. I can’t quip on the state of Philippine politics because I find it so depressing. I’m not seeking higher education. I don’t read as many books as I did when I was a teenager.

I’m into watching a lot of movies and TV series. I’m into dressing up. I’m into taking selfies. I’m into traveling and eating. And I’m into reading articles about all of those things. Some people may think that all these things are shallow or superficial because they choose to only see that layer, because they think there’s nothing more to it. These people are stupid.

Movies and TV series are stupid if you only watch the stupid ones. There are tons of movies that are beautifully-written, well-acted and a microcosm of social and/or political situations that it’s trying to capture. I probably would’ve aced history if they made us watch historical movies the entire time. Why wasn’t there an exam on Schindler’s List, 300 or Life Is Beautiful? When done well, a great movie or series can teach you about life like nothing else will.

Fashion is stupid? Fashion is a form of self-expression. Fashion is a reflection of a culture and a period of time. There’s a history of women’s swimsuits with a direct relation to the oppression and liberation of women. Do you remember that scene in The Hunger Games: Catching Fire where Katniss twirled during her interview and her wedding dress turned into a mockingjay? Fashion can start a revolution.

“I design clothes because I don’t want women to look all innocent and naive… I want women to look stronger… I don’t like women to be taken advantage of…I don’t like men whistling at women in the street. I think they deserve more respect. I like men to keep their distance from women, I like men to be stunned by an entrance. I’ve seen a woman get nearly beaten to death by her husband. I know what misogyny is… I want people to be afraid of the women I dress.” -Alexander McQueen

Bow down.

Selfies. A lot of people hate selfies. A lot of people apologize for taking selfies. Some people think that selfies are indicative of cultural decline because it shows how conceited people are. Well most people ARE conceited, even before the invention of a front-facing camera. That’s why we created god in our image. But religious people want to think it’s the other way around. Selfies are just a natural evolution of our self-involvement. And like most things, there’s an intellectual side to that as well.

These “superficial” things have made me feel that I’m not half as smart as I think I am. (That’s a quote from young Olive Penderghast if you have watched Easy A multiple times.) But that feeling stemmed from having allowed other people to make me feel that the things I like are stupid. And I’m stupid for letting them do that.

Images via, via

The Opposite of Forever

A former classmate posted a picture of her and her boyfriend for their anniversary and the caption was: “I will love you always and forever.” I envy people who could throw words like “forever” so casually. I wish I were as sweet to my boyfriend, and could tell him that I will love him forever, too. But I can’t ’cause I probably won’t mean it.

Forever means “for always, for all eternity, endlessly.” I hate to break it to you, guys, but we’re all going to die. So unless I write a great novel about my love for my boyfriend, my love will not live on after my death. And even if I do write a bestselling novel on my love for him, it still won’t assure that my love will last forever because the sun is going to burn the earth at some point killing all of us. That or our galaxy will crash against another, obliterating everything inside it, including our promises of forever. The future is bleak!

Perhaps you’re thinking that I should CALM DOWN and stop taking “forever” too literally. Maybe the girl was just being poetic and what she really wanted to say was that she would love her boyfriend constantly, repeatedly, or regularly. This sounds doable compared to the word’s grander definition. But I still don’t think I can say that I will love my boyfriend forever.

I can’t love my boyfriend constantly because love is not constant. Sometimes I love him so much and sometimes it just feels like we’re going through the motions of being together. Sometimes I feel like I love him more than he loves me and sometimes it’s the other way around. And sometimes we get so pissed at each other that we don’t want to see each other’s faces.

I talked to one of my friends about forever and she said she believes in it. She thinks her relationship right now will last forever. And she feels that if this relationship doesn’t work out, she won’t be able to find another guy she’d want to spend the rest of her life with. (Which sounds contradictory because if she thinks her relationship will last forever, then why is she thinking of break up scenarios?)

And I guess some people are hardcore like that. They believe that there’s no point  in loving someone if you’re not going to give your all to the relationship anyway. And sometimes they give their all and leave nothing for themselves. I can’t do that.

What I’ve learned is that I have to love myself first before I can properly love another person. (Cliché, cliché, cliché. Whatever.) I’m not saying I love everything about myself now but I’ve gotten a lot better at it. If you don’t love yourself while you’re in a relationship, you expect your partner to fill that void for you. You either set your expectations unreasonably high that you always get disappointed or so low that you leave no room for some self-respect. You end up loving the idea of being loved instead of loving the person who loves you. It’s unfair and unhealthy in the long run.

You might be pitying my boyfriend right now because I sound like a dreadful girlfriend. I have not painted us as the couple who’s crazy in love. We don’t do grand, romantic gestures of love. We don’t have intense fights. We have small, quiet moments usually disturbed by the sound of laughter. To each his own when it comes to love. All I’m saying is that this state of non-foreverness is working for me.

My wedding is going to be AWESOME.

I am skeptical of the whole institution of marriage. I didn’t have a lot of inspiring examples of a functional and traditional complete family growing up. And now that I am grown up enough to know about the histories of my aunts and uncles, I’m just more paranoid. What if I’m genetically predisposed to a state of non-marriage? What if karma comes back to bite me in the ass for my past sins? And the thing that scares me the most (which I heard is bound to happen), what if after a few years, you find that you don’t love each other anymore and you’re stuck with each other just because you’re married? And you have to suck it up “because of the kids.”

All those worries aside, I still can’t help but think of weddings. Maybe it’s because of my newly discovered interest in everything stereo-typically girly like putting on make-up or dressing up. Maybe it’s my age. Maybe it’s the boyfriend. Maybe I’m just bored. No matter what the reason, I’m fascinated about having a day dedicated solely to publicly celebrating your love for each other.

But let’s be honest here, weddings are all about the bride. You can go on months and months yapping about bridal dresses and how stressed you are with your future in-laws, preparing the seat plan, and bitching about the caterer. And no one’s allowed to say anything because they’re supposed to be happy for you. Your wedding will be your fifteen minutes of fame. It’s the best excuse to have professionals over just to do your hair and make up. It is your red carpet moment. It is the makeover montage that will play in your head forever.

So to quote Julia Roberts, I say unto you guys, “I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to humor these wedding scenarios that I have planned.”

THE PROPOSAL

I love surprises. The first time my boyfriend pulled off a surprise, I cried. And we’re just talking about a bouquet of flowers here. I’m not saying the proposal has to be big. But a wedding proposal while on a hot air balloon ride would be much welcome.

I also love the Ayala Triangle Lights and Sound Show during the Christmas season. Imagine going to that show, expecting to hear Christmas songs being played, and then instead you hear an orchestra version of Train’s “Marry Me.” And then your guy comes out of the shadows, gets down on one knee, says he couldn’t have phrased it any better, recites the lyrics of the song to you, and finally asks for your hand in marriage. And all the Christmas lights are twinkling, reflecting all the happiness you feel inside. I would just be a puddle of tears, I tell you.

But the proposal doesn’t have to be a huge public thing. All that matters is the sincerity. So if my boyfriend pours his heart out singing and dancing Justin Timberlake’s “My Love,” I would already consider that a great proposal. He has to be wearing a suit though. I don’t care where we are but the suit is a requisite.

THE DRESS

Red is my power color. However, I have seen some horrific red-themed weddings so I’m going for a burgundy/wine-colored theme instead. It might be the classier choice.

I love this dress. It’s not really a wedding dress so it’s different. It’s sleek at the top and all glamour at the bottom. It’s badass. And it has my power color. Just change the lower part from red to burgundy and I’m sold.

Ethereal is not a word anyone would use to describe me, but I think this Reem Acra gown could change that. So if I wanted to feel like a fairy princess on my wedding day, this would be the dress that will make it happen. I would probably request the dressmaker that the tulle skirt be detachable though. I still want to be able to wear the tube sheath dress underneath after the wedding. I mean, let us be practical. Am I right, ladies?

For the ladies who will be in the entourage, I have two choices. This dress in burgundy:

Or this, because it looks cool and pretty at the same time. But I don’t know how to customize the color to match my chosen theme:

What I do know is that I want that ruffly, poofy thing underneath to be detachable too so that it can still be used for less formal occasions. I’m really all about getting bang out of my buck.

As for the men, well, you just have to live up to Ryan Gosling and Andrew Garfield’s image. Everyone can pull this off, right? No big deal.

THE WEDDING

The civil wedding will be held in a country where divorce is legal because I’m romantic like that. I don’t think a beach wedding is my thing. A church wedding is out of the question. But I do want to walk down some sort of aisle.

So here’s what’s going to happen: the venue of the wedding will also be that of the reception, like a hotel ballroom or those makeshift tent/events place thing. And people will not be walking down the aisle but on an actual runway. I want it to be like an actual runway show—lights, sounds, a handful of photographers, and guests seated along the runway. Everyone is required to wear something avant-garde. I don’t care what their understanding of avant-garde is. Like, they could wear a duster and bedroom slippers, I would totally support it.

Our first dance will be something sweet like “The Way You Look Tonight” which will be remixed with Justin Timberlake’s “Suit & Tie.” And then we’ll have this cool choreographed dance that will leave everyone stunned. All other dances after that will be rendered useless.

Honestly, it’s not that I want to get married. I just want to go to a themed party. And if I will be the center of attention of said themed party, that would be great.

I would be equally happy attending other people’s weddings though, but I haven’t had many opportunities to do so. I have exactly zero close girl friends who peaked early and are now considering settling down. My guy friends are not getting married any time soon, if at all. That’s why I’m conjuring all these wedding plans in my head when all I really want is to attend a cool themed party. So if anyone of you knows any themed weddings/party I could crash, kindly send your e-vites to jenjalandoni710@gmail.com.

I wish you all no kilig feelings.

The first time I felt kilig was in Grade 4.

I had a crush on this guy sitting behind me in class. We weren’t particularly close, but we knew each other because we’ve been classmates since first grade. He was friends with my seatmate and they talked a lot. And because I could hear most of their conversations, I started liking him for his humor.

One time, during class, my hair—which is not one of my best features—was up in a ponytail when  he suddenly stroked it. I was startled. I looked at him as if to ask, “What are you doing?” Without preamble, he said, “Your hair reminds me of a horse’s tail. It’s so thick and long.” It wasn’t really what you’d call a compliment, but because he kept on touching my hair afterward, I assumed that he liked doing it.

I had always put my hair up in a ponytail because it’s always a mess, and it made me feel good that this guy liked something about me I’m not confident about. I didn’t know how to react, but all I knew was that I should always tie my hair up from then on.

The closest English translation of kilig that I could think of is probably “butterflies in your stomach” —except you only feel it when you like someone. Kilig is like a combination of thrill, anxiety, and delight. It’s what you feel when someone you like gives you flowers, draws a portrait of you, smiles and greets you, or likes a tagged photo of you on Facebook. You feel warm and fuzzy inside. You can’t hold back your smile. Sometimes you want to squeal or jump in excitement. Some of my girl friends even call  the feeling “a fallopian dance” when the kilig level goes off the charts.

The thing with kilig is, for it to happen, there has to be uncertainty involved. Even if the guy you like touches your hair, you still don’t know how he feels about you. You like it but you don’t know what to do about it. You conjure scenarios in your head on how things can move forward but, most of the time, you can’t muster enough courage to act on it because the evidence of that person liking you is so flimsy. I mean, what if he just really likes touching hair? It all boils down to “What if you’re the only one who gets kilig?”

I haven’t felt kilig for a long while now. At first I thought maybe it’s because only teenagers are susceptible to these things. But I know that’s not true because some of my friends still have major kilig moments. It’s not that I’m unhappy or that my love life is bland. It’s just that I haven’t felt uncertain of my place in a relationship for a while. When my boyfriend gives me flowers, whether there’s an occasion or not, I feel happy. When I know we’re going out on a date, I’m excited. When he hugs me, I feel loved. My feelings are rarely confused so there’s less kilig, just more happiness and love.

Kilig is great. It feels good no matter how long you’ve been in a relationship. It makes you feel young. The key is that you move on to other emotions as your relationship progresses. Kilig alone is not a good foundation. Kilig is not something you strive for. (And I’m looking at you Maya and Ser Chief.)

NO.

Image via

I’m A Fashion Maven.

I am rocking this orange ensemble like I’m The Queen of Prison.

I know what’s on your mind. Who am I to talk about fashion when I clearly need all the help I can get based on this photo? First off, I firmly believe that I am rocking this orange outfit with matching knee-high socks. It’s inspired (by Michael Jackson) and fashion-forward. You may be wondering right now, “What kind of mother would allow this to happen?” I am with you on this, guys. Contrary to what this picture suggests, my mother took care of me very well. But she couldn’t do anything cause I loved this ensemble. I thought I was fucking fresh. I would even pair this with a denim vest sometimes. You know, for swag.

Things didn’t go much better fashion-wise when I was in high school. I wasn’t comfortable with girly clothes to the point of wearing work shoes to school. My mom once bought these form-fitting blouses in pastel colors and I hated them. She kept on saying that they looked good on me but I couldn’t see it. I only wore jeans with rubber shoes before but it was my mom who forced me to wear them with sneakers and I loved it. See, guys? My mother really looks out for my best interest. In college, I wore pretty much the same thing every day: jeans/non-cute shorts, t-shirts and sneakers.

But once I started working at my current job, I felt like I had to step up my game. It’s not that I started working in the fashion industry but my coworkers are pretty ladies who dressed up and regularly put make-up on. I also started going out with this guy who said that he found ladies who wear pencil skirts and pumps sexy. I know we should be dressing up for our own enjoyment and not for anyone else but knowing that someone will appreciate how good you look is a great motivation.

In the short span of time that I’ve been into fashion, make-up and all those girly things, here are some of the things I’ve learned about dressing up:

1. Just because it looks good in picture, doesn’t mean it’s going to look good on you.

This is a hard lesson, you guys. Some skirt or collared top is in fashion, everyone is wearing it and you want to fit in. So you try it on but it doesn’t look good on you. It’s okay. Let it go and move on. You’re not doing yourself any favor by forcing it. I’m sure there are other trends you can rock.

2. Don’t wear it if it doesn’t make you feel confident.

Sometimes your outfit is so well put together and your friends swear they find you super cute in it, but then you don’t feel cute at all. It’s okay to say no to friends. (True friends would understand anyway.) If you don’t feel comfortable and confident in what you’re wearing, it’s going to show. And what is the point of wearing something that doesn’t make you happy anyway?

3. Beautiful things come at a price.

An outfit with a good fit, fabric and tailoring is an investment. It’s either you accept that or go back to your ukay-ukays and keep looking like a basic bitch. I know some people swear they found great things at bazaars but I just don’t have the patience. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, what you’ll find ain’t going to look good. That’s wasted time you can’t get back. It’s too exhausting and at best what you’ll find is something “acceptable”. I can’t. I’m sorry.

4. Buy versatile clothes.

Invest in something that can work both as casual and formal wear. Here’s how you rationalize your purchase: “This dress can be worn in the office with pumps. Then I can wear it to a night out if I change to wedges. It’s like I’m buying two outfits for the price of one!” Get it, girl.

5. If you want your clothes to last, wash and iron them yourself.

Many clothes have gone to waste because of negligence. A lot of my stuff now should only be washed on a delicate cycle. I put them in laundry nets just to be safe. I even have specific hanger requirements for my clothes. No one will take care of your stuff better than you. Guard your investments.

6. If you’re going to wear high heels, you better know how to walk in them.

Girls trudging in their high heels make me sad. It ruins an outfit. Lean back, sway those hips and channel your inner drag queen.

7. Go for classic pieces.

I would love to buy clothes that are trendy but my inner monologue goes like this: “Will I look stupid wearing this black and white checkered pants a year from now when no one else is wearing it but me?” If the answer is yes, I don’t buy it.

8. Don’t take it too seriously.

Dressing up should be fun. You don’t have to listen to anything I say. Break all the rules. Keep on experimenting like the 92-year-old fashion rock star Iris Apfel. Wear what makes you comfortable and happy. But to those girls who grew up being tomboys, if you feel like a lady wants to come out of that shell, know that it can be done. If the girl in the orange ensemble can do it, then anything is possible.

Let’s get this hetero straight.

I have a theory that homosexuality is an evolutionary mechanism designed to hinder procreation as a direct reaction to overpopulation. An implication of my theory is that I consider homosexuals as advanced beings compared to heterosexuals in that their sexual orientation and inability to reproduce with same-sex partners are their tools to keep humans from extinction by not adding more people to squander the earth’s resources. It is a stupid theory because 1) homosexuals can still opt to procreate with the opposite sex and 2) that homosexuality was prevalent, sometimes even venerated, hundreds of years ago in many ancient societies even before overpopulation became an issue.

Ask any of your gay or lesbian friends why they chose to be gay and you will surely get some major bitch slappin’. Homosexuality is not a choice. “Coming out” should not even be a thing. I mean, do heterosexual men and women “come out?” Do they have to announce to the world, “Hey, I’m a straight man?” Yet we expect our gay friends to clear it up for us if they prefer the same sex. And if it were a choice, why do gulls, black swans and male sheep have homosexual tendencies?  We had two male dogs who were brothers, and they’re incestuous gay dogs! Are we saying these animals have free will now?

So if homosexuality is not a choice and homosexuals can’t extend the line of their “species” through reproduction with each other, why do we still have homosexuals? I read before that scientists are trying to look for a “gay gene” to explain the whole phenomenon of homosexuality. So far, what they’ve found is that it might not be an issue of genetics after all but of epigenetic marks or epi-marks:

‘To be specific, the new theory suggests that homosexuality is caused by epigenetic marks, or “epi-marks,” related to sensitivity to hormones in the womb. These are compounds that sit on DNA and regulate how active, or inactive certain genes are, and also control when during development these genes are most prolific. Gavrilets and his colleagues believe that gene expression may regulate how a fetus responds to testosterone, the all-important male sex hormone. They further argue that epi-marks may help to buffer a female fetus from high levels of testosterone by suppressing receptors that respond to testosterone, for example, (thus ensuring normal fetal development even in the presence of a lot of testosterone) or to buffer a male fetus from low levels of testosterone by upregulating receptors that bind to the hormone (ensuring normal fetal development even in the absence of high levels of testosterone). Normally, these epi-marks are erased after they are activated, but if those marks are passed down to the next generation, the same epi-marks that protected a man in utero may cause oversensitivity to testosterone among his daughters, and the epi-marks that protected a woman in utero may lead to undersensitivity to testosterone among her sons.’

(Source: http://healthland.time.com/2012/12/13/new-insight-into-the-epigenetic-roots-of-homosexuality/#ixzz2acno1Wsq)

‘Thus, if an epi-mark that kept a mother from getting exposed to high testosterone in development gets passed on to her son—the opposite sex—it could desensitize him to testosterone, contributing to his sexual preference for men. Similarly, if a male-specific epi-mark from dad gets passed to a daughter, it could “masculinize” her sexual preference, making her more interested in women.’

(Source: http://www.foxnews.com/health/2012/12/11/homosexuality-ultimately-result-gene-regulation-researchers-find/#ixzz2acq9aWOg)

To oversimplify things, and for us to marvel at the irony of it, the thing that made someone hetero-straight, if not erased, is the same thing that can make your child a homosexual. And just so we can be clear on the blame game, if your son is gay, it’s the mother’s fault. And if your daughter is a lesbian, it’s the father’s fault.

Conservatives don’t appreciate research on a biological basis for homosexuality, but I can see them using this same research to strengthen their argument that homosexuality is a “disease.” But that would be like saying having dimples, widow’s peak or green eyes are diseases just because they’re an aberration.

Some members of the gay and lesbian community don’t appreciate being subjects of this scientific research. It just makes them feel more different. But for me, knowing why you are the way you are is crucial to your existence. It helps us understand why we act a certain way or do certain things. This research also provides a sound theory that homosexuality is not a choice. And that’s a big deal because I’m sure there are still gay and lesbian kids out there who are being made to believe otherwise. And if I had a gay son or daughter who asks me what homosexuality is and why it occurs, at least I can provide facts and not a half-assed explanation like “because god made you that way.” Let’s be honest here, god isn’t as tolerant or forgiving to gays, no matter what the current Pope says.